Addicted

I think everyone is addicted to something that hides the pain. Something that releases every part of you that feels trapped up inside. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and be frozen with pain. I found myself laying in the darkness craving anything that would fix me… Even for just a few minutes. Sometimes I would even wake up crying in my sleep. It was the worst kind of crying. Not the crying of something hurting but the crying that it’s never going to stop. I started taking showers. I would stand there for hours letting the warm water wipe away my tearstains. And the pressures from the water droplets ease my pain. I know it sounds silly but that’s when I became addicted to showers. It’s the first thing I did when I woke up in the middle of the night and the last before I could finally sleep. There is something so soothing about the noise of the water hitting the tiles and something so comforting about the warm water surrounding my numb muscles. I used to stare at the drain watching the water spin around and around. It was so relieving to think that it surrounded me but now it’s gone, just like this disease. You get so used to something so miserable but at some point your body needs to remind yourself its only for a little while. I started to tell myself that it’s the pain going down the drain and that I’m going to finally feel better when I get in my cold sheets and feel my warm (almost pain free) body against them. And I think that’s why I got addicted to showers. Sometimes it’s not the thing you get addicted to but the idea and I will never give up on the idea of being pain free.

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