I think everyone is addicted to something that hides the pain. Something that releases every part of you that feels trapped up inside. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and be frozen with pain. I found myself laying in the darkness craving anything that would fix me… Even for just a few minutes. Sometimes I would even wake up crying in my sleep. It was the worst kind of crying. Not the crying of something hurting but the crying that it’s never going to stop. I started taking showers. I would stand there for hours letting the warm water wipe away my tearstains. And the pressures from the water droplets ease my pain. I know it sounds silly but that’s when I became addicted to showers. It’s the first thing I did when I woke up in the middle of the night and the last before I could finally sleep. There is something so soothing about the noise of the water hitting the tiles and something so comforting about the warm water surrounding my numb muscles. I used to stare at the drain watching the water spin around and around. It was so relieving to think that it surrounded me but now it’s gone, just like this disease. You get so used to something so miserable but at some point your body needs to remind yourself its only for a little while. I started to tell myself that it’s the pain going down the drain and that I’m going to finally feel better when I get in my cold sheets and feel my warm (almost pain free) body against them. And I think that’s why I got addicted to showers. Sometimes it’s not the thing you get addicted to but the idea and I will never give up on the idea of being pain free.
I’m not going to pretend I have this world figured out. That would take way too many countless nights of no sleep. And even if that was the one thing I wanted to do in my life, I would only end up empty. Empty knowing this world isn’t meant to be figured out. Its almost like the round-about these urban planners keep developing. Once you enter everything seems rushed, unnatural and you only just go in circles. I drive through one ever day on my way to work. At first I thought it was a good idea then I just started to wonder why they just couldn’t have left it be. That’s how I feel about trying to figure out life. It seems like a good idea at the time. But once I enter that mind of thinking, I can’t stop and my thoughts only start moving in circles. And then I get that out of control feeling. The one where you are going too fast in a circle and physics just takes over. You can’t move your arms and it feels almost like your floating. But really. Do. Not. Try. To. Figure. Out. life. The only thing you’ll realize is that the mind can be a terrible thing.
Yesterday was my birthday. Unfortunately it was a hard day due to the Lyme and I slept most of the day, but still it was bitter sweet. I read a quote today that felt very relatable to my life. “Youth has no age” I feel like this cannot be truer.
I have had such a troubled childhood that I never enjoyed my younger years like I should have. I distinctly remember a doctor listening to me and only having one thing to respond with “you’re too young to feel the way you feel.”
Though, with saying that I don’t think I would have enjoyed the younger years in the right way.
Society builds up the idea that you’re young, and that just because you’re young you should enjoy life in every way. Yet I look at so many “young” people and all I see is troubled minds and corrupt ideas of what childhood should be like.
So many young kids are naive, immature and self-centered, and hey I don’t blame them! If I could still be in my own little world I would. But there is something so bitter sweet with growing up. You have more of an idea of who you are and who you want to become. The way I see is it you have to be wise inn order to enjoy this world. Not in the sense of a high IQ but the kind of wise where you know how to brush things off and know how blessed you are to have forgiveness and freedom.
So happy birthday to me, not because I’m another year older but because I am another year wiser.